You know that mildly panicked feeling you get when you found out your friend’s mother just died and you really don’t know what to say?

你有没有过这样惊慌的经历：你好友的母亲不幸去世，她正沉浸在撕心裂肺的痛苦之中，你却不知道如何去安慰她?

Breathe. It will be okay。

深呼吸，你能行的。

1. Not so good – “God will never give you more than you can handle。”

不要说：“上帝不会让你承受更多苦难。”

Even if the person has a faith system that includes God, this phrase has the tacit implication that if you can’t handle things, you must not have enough faith, you’re a bad Christian, etc。

如果这个人对上帝有着很坚定的信仰，这句话就有了隐藏的含义：也就是说如果你处理不好这件事，你肯定是没有坚定的信仰，不是虔诚的基督徒等等。

Better – “This must be so hard for you。”

不如说：“我知道你肯定非常难受。”

2. Not so good – “I’m sure it’s all for the best。”

不要说：“我想这一切可能是最好的结果。”

Ack! Try really hard not to say this! Right now, the grieving person doesn’t see that anything is for the best except to have her loved one back。

我的天，千万别说这句话!这个沉浸在悲痛中的人并不觉得一切是好结果，除非她的至亲能够复活。

Better – “It’s hard to understand why these things happen。”

不如说：“真不知道为什么会发生这样的事情。”

3. Not so good – Saying nothing at all。

不要：什么都不说。

This is actually one of the worst things that can happen to a grieving person: having people ignore his pain. If you’re not sure what to say, or are uncertain that the person wants to talk about it, it’s okay to say just that。

周围的人忽视他的伤痛，这对伤痛的人来说可能是最坏的事情之一了。如果你不知道去说些什么，或者不确定他是否愿意聊这件事，那就直接说出来吧。

Better – “I’m not sure what to say but I want you to know I’m here for you。”

不如说：“我不知道该说些什么，你只要知道我一直都在你身边。”

4. Not so good – “He’s in a better place” or “Just be happy he isn’t in pain anymore。”

不要说：“他去了更好的地方” 或 “开心点，他不再痛苦了。”

These things are always so well-intentioned, but ouch! The place the griever wants him to be is with her, no matter how much pain he was in or how difficult the caregiving was。

这些话的初衷的确是好的，但是悲痛者还是希望至亲就在自己身边，无论至亲有着什么样的痛苦或者无论照顾起来是多么的麻烦。

Better – “You must miss him terribly。”

不如说：“你肯定十分想念他。”

5. Not so good – “I know exactly how you feel。”

不要说：“我完全知道你的感受。”

This is very tempting to say, but be careful: Even if you have experienced a loss, each person has their own unique path to travel so you can’t know exactly how he feels。

我们总会说这句话，但是记住，即使你也失去过亲人，但每个人的生命旅途不一样，所以你并不可能完全知道别人的感受。

Better – “I can’t begin to understand how you feel”

不如说：“我没法真正体会你现在的感受。”

6. Not so good – “You’ll feel better soon。”

不要说：“你马上就会好的。”

This is a presumptive thing to say and it’s more for your benefit than your friend’s. You wanther to feel better because you hate to see her suffer. Make sure you don’t dismiss her grief。

这是个假设句，实际上是从你的角度出发而非你的朋友，因为你不想再看到自己的朋友沉浸在痛苦之中，这样你自己也会好过点。但是别忘了你并没有减轻她的伤痛。

Better – “I’ll be here for as long as you need me。”

不如说：“只要你需要我，我就会一直在这里。”

7. Not so good – “You should _________。”

不要说：“你应该....。。”

Each person has her own unique path of grief to follow so it isn’t helpful or comforting to make suggestions as to how she should grieve or suggest that she do certain activities to help her feel better。

每个人有着自己处理痛苦的办法，所以不要给她意见，不要告诉她如何哀悼或应该去做些什么减轻痛苦，这毫无用处。

Better – “Do what you need to do to grieve – I’ll support you however I can”

不如说：“用你自己的方式去哀悼，我会尽我所能支持你。”

8. Not so good – “She wouldn’t have wanted you to be sad。”

不要说：“她也不愿意看到你这么伤心。”

Guilt alert! Saying this, even if it’s true, may make the person feel like they “shouldn’t” be sad and that they aren’t handling the loss “right。”

小心!这句话可能会引起对方的罪恶感。即使这句话是真的，也只会让别人觉得他们不应该悲伤，他们处理悲伤的方式不对。

Better – “I can see that you are really sad and miss her so much。”

不如说：“我知道你很难过，也十分想念她。”

9. Not so good – “Just stay busy and you’ll be okay。”

不要说：“让自己忙起来，你马上就好起来了。”

This is dismissive of the person’s feelings, no matter how good the intention. It is okay to say what worked for you when you experienced grief, but make sure it’s not in the form of a command。

这是对别人感受的一种无视，无论你初衷有多好，当别人悲伤时说这些的确有点用，但记住不要用命令的口吻。

Better – “When I was grieving, staying busy was helpful for me, but that may or may not be what works best for you。”

不如说：“当我难过的时候，让自己忙起来是个好办法，但是我不知道对你是否适用。”

10. Not so good – “It’s time for you to get yourself together。”

不要说：“是时候让自己振作起来了。”

Each person’s path of grief is unique. Maybe it isn’t time for her to get herself together yet。

每个人哀悼的方式都不一样，所以也许现在并不是让她收拾感情振作起来的时候。”

Better – “It looks like this is a rough day for you. How about if I bring some dinner over at 6:00?”

不如说：“我知道你今天过得很痛苦，我晚上6点给你带点晚饭过来吧?”

11. Not so good – “Let me know if I can help。”

不要说：“如果需要我帮忙就说。”

In many instances, the grieving person either doesn’t know what help she needs or it’s too hard to ask for help. Making specific suggestions and then asking her if it would be okay is much more concrete and useful。

在很多情况下，悲痛的人并不知道她需要什么帮助，或者对她而言寻求帮助很难。给一些具体的建议，问问她这样行不行，也许会更加实际有效。

Better – “I think it’s garbage day. Is it okay if I take your garbage out for you?”

不如说：“今天是扔垃圾的日子，我帮你把垃圾倒了吧。”

Stick with the “better” things to say to your grieving friend and you’ll not only feel good yourself, but you’ll help her heal as well。

记住那些应该说的话，去安慰你悲痛中的朋友，不仅你自己会感觉更好，你也会帮助她走出伤痛。